Todays Update

Well we talked tonight. I feel much better than I have in months. It feels like we are making progress each day. We have started communicating for real rather than, I gess and we really are getting to know each others problems.
Becky has started letting me know things that she was afraid to tell me before. I hope we keep this up and be truthful and open about things we have done or want to do.
She said that I need to work on my trust issues with her. I also need to understand her more as in why she is the way she is.
Well as of tomorrow I will start to feel my self out in my head for these issues I have. We really made progress into our future.We just need to keep up this for 5 weeks till we are back together. Then and only then will we start to see the real progress from all of this.
I love Becky!!!

Well I like to think that things will be alright.
Well this might not make her happy or even make things harder. They are just my thoughts and feelings.
She always tells me that she dosent tell me things because she dosent want to hurt me. Well, how can I work on something if I dont know. She said in her own blog " I need some therapy, my only problem is I am scared of what I m going to find out." She tell me that its not gona work if she goses. she said that it that she dosen't love me, but she dose.
I'm so confuses at times.
She also tells me she is done with responsiabilty, she wants dosen't want to be married some parts of her and just be able to go when she wants, with out worring about needing to tell people. She can't be with out the kids, that been proven.
So what about the kids?
Well she dosent want to be tied down, well if she is with the kids she is still tied to them. She can't go do what she wants when she wants.
My Feelings will always be the same, I love her so deeply I hurts, my heart physicaly hurts to think of all this happening. I'm trying to lose weight to get promoted to help us out, but I can't because I too depressed. I also want and need her to talk to me about the problems she has so I can try and help he so many I should not sayany thing.
I'm not sure how to make things better for her with all these things she wants. I do know whe we are back together in june I will do all that I can to fix our problems. I will also be working on it from Hawaii.
I wish she had never gotten the surgery now. I figured I would be nice and we could handle it. Almost everone we know who has had the surgery has gotten a devorce. I loved her when she was big and I love her now. I just wish I could show her what is happening but I can't. In time when we are back It should be easer for us to truly work on and fix these problems.
My dreams all have her in it, I need her, with out her I'm nothing.
I love her more than anything.
TBC

My first blog

Yesterday Me and Becky had some words, Very strong but nesecary.

We started off fighting about the fact she took tomuch money out of the account with out letting me know and I had told her she only had that amount to use.

We the got started on our marrage which has been in schambles for years. One thing was ther waightloss over the last 2 years(100+ pounds) and how that had changed her. The fact that she did not know who she was now and so on. My thoughts on it was that we had not been acting much like we were married only like parents and partners.

I just got back from a 15 month deployment to Iraq my thied plus three other deployments to other parts of the world.

most of the deployments I came home we would act like like all was good for the most part. then after my second deployment to Iraq in 2005-2006 I finally felt like things were bad for me. I thought it was all me.

Turns out that I was Depressed and put on meds. The meds took almost 2 1/2 years to really make me feel better. During that time I suffered with work problems and was put in charge of operating a Gym for my Battalion. which first of all I was not doing my Job, that droped me futher in the hole I was digging. One of the benifits should of been spending time with my family, no did not happen self asorbed in my depression i spent lots of time sleeping or being by myself in my head mostly even though I was there and only worked 4 to 5 hours 5 days a week.

eventually the meds started working, but I was now being deployed and lost control of the mot important thing I ever had My marrage to Becky. I was still blind to the loss of what I had almost lost. during the deployment I found my self wanting some of the same things Becky wanted, just did not realize it. I became Jealous of other guy she hung out with younger and making her feel good buy saying things that she had been missing of a long time from me. I had the right but still hadent tried to fix any thing at that time, did not even see the full set of problems we were creating.

When I got home she had moved to Killeen to be closer to Family. This was great but I still was deeply jealous about most things because I was not there and had no influence on her.

Well as for last night and today. I found my self realizing what I was loseing by keeping my eyes closed to everything. We decided that she would get some councleing then we would do it together when we became reunited in June. I also decided that we needed to start having Us time, like dating agin and geting to know each other agin. we have been in Hawaii for close to 5 years Ive been gone over 2 years of it.

I think this has been the most productive thing we have done in 5 or 6 years. thing are looking up for the first time in almost always.